Let’s be honest – if you’re anything like me, when we’re the ones who’ve been deeply hurt, forgiveness can not only feel impossible, but it’s often the furthest thing from our minds. The pain is too fresh, the betrayal too deep.
And if we’re really honest, sometimes we don’t even want to forgive. We tell ourselves that if we do, it means we’re “giving in” or “giving up” while the other person “gets away” without consequences. It feels unfair, like we’re letting them off the hook while we’re the ones left to deal with the damage.
But the truth is, forgiveness has never been about the other person – it’s about freeing ourselves. It’s about letting go of the weight that keeps us tied to the hurt.
When we hold onto resentment, we carry a burden that doesn’t just affect our emotions – it seeps into our thoughts, our relationships, and even our physical well-being.
Refusing to forgive is like keeping a wound open, preventing it from healing because we continue to press on it instead of allowing it to close.
The reality is, forgiveness isn’t about whether the other person deserves it; it’s about whether we want to live with the burden of bitterness or walk in the freedom of release.
A Personal Struggle with Forgiveness
I know this struggle firsthand. There was a time when I was deeply betrayed by someone I trusted. The hurt cut so deep that I wanted them to pay for what they had done. I replayed the situation over and over in my mind, fueling my anger, justifying my bitterness.
If I’m being completely transparent, I even secretly wished ill will on them. I wanted them to experience the same kind of pain they had inflicted on me, to know what it felt like to be broken the way I had been broken.
But here’s where my journey to forgiveness began: I admitted every single one of those feelings to God. The bitterness, the resentment, the desire for justice on my terms – I laid it all before Him, raw and unfiltered.
I didn’t sugarcoat my emotions, didn’t try to convince myself I wasn’t angry. I told Him everything, even the parts I wasn’t proud of.
And I didn’t just wake up one day ready to forgive. At first, I didn’t even want to. So my first prayer wasn’t, Lord, help me forgive them. It was, Lord, help me be willing to forgive them someday, because right now, I don’t feel willing at all.
And that was enough. God, in His goodness, met me there. He began softening my heart little by little. It didn’t happen overnight, and I didn’t suddenly forget the hurt. But over time, as I continued to bring my pain to Him, He loosened the grip of resentment in my heart.
And eventually, I was able to truly forgive. Not because the other person had changed. Not because they deserved it. But because I refused to let their actions keep me bound any longer.
What Forgiveness Isn’t
Many of us resist forgiveness because we don’t fully understand what it means. Forgiveness does not mean:
- Approving or minimizing what happened. What was done to you was wrong. Forgiving doesn’t mean pretending otherwise or acting like it didn’t hurt. Acknowledging the depth of the wound is necessary for true healing. Ignoring it or pretending it wasn’t significant only delays the healing process.
- Forgetting the past. You can forgive and still remember what happened, but you can also choose not to dwell on the pain. The difference is that you no longer allow it to have power over you. Forgiveness allows you to reclaim control over your emotions rather than being controlled by the past.
- Restoring trust immediately. Forgiveness is given, but trust is rebuilt over time with consistent actions. It’s okay to forgive someone and still have boundaries in place to protect yourself. Trust and forgiveness are separate; one can exist without the other, and sometimes, trust must be earned back through time and effort.
- Reconciliation. Forgiveness is a personal journey between you and God. Sometimes relationships can be restored, but other times, they can’t – and that’s okay. You can forgive even if the other person never apologizes or changes. Reconciliation requires both parties’ willingness, but forgiveness is something you can choose regardless of their response.
Anne Lamott said it best: “Unforgiveness is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” Holding onto bitterness doesn’t punish the other person – it keeps us trapped in pain. It drains our energy, steals our joy, and prevents us from living fully in the present.
Why Forgiveness Is for You
It’s easy to believe that by withholding forgiveness, we’re protecting ourselves. But in reality, refusing to forgive only keeps our wounds open. It ties us to the past and prevents us from moving forward in peace.
The anger we harbor doesn’t punish the person who hurt us – it punishes us. It affects our ability to love, to trust, and to find joy in everyday moments.
Unforgiveness also impacts our health. Studies have shown that holding onto resentment increases stress, weakens the immune system, and contributes to anxiety and depression. The emotional weight of bitterness manifests physically, draining us of energy and affecting our overall well-being.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened was okay. It doesn’t mean justice doesn’t matter. It simply means we’re choosing to release the burden of bitterness and trust God to handle the rest. We aren’t letting them “get away” with anything – we’re letting ourselves get free.
How to Begin the Journey of Forgiveness
Forgiveness isn’t a one-time decision – it’s a process. And often, it starts before we even feel ready. If you’re struggling to forgive, here are some steps to take:
- Be honest with God. If you don’t want to forgive, tell Him. He already knows your heart. Say, “Lord, I don’t want to forgive, but I need Your help. Please soften my heart.” Honesty opens the door for God to work in you.
- Pray for a new perspective. Ask God to help you see the person through His eyes – flawed, broken, and in need of grace, just like you. This doesn’t excuse their actions, but it shifts your heart toward healing rather than resentment.
- Journal your pain. Writing about what happened, how it affected you, and why it feels hard to forgive can be powerful. You don’t need validation from the other person – you can validate your own experience and release it onto paper instead of carrying it inside.
- Ask God for willingness. Sometimes, we aren’t ready to forgive, but we can ask God to make us willing to be willing. Even that small step is progress, and God meets us in those moments of surrender.
- Remember, forgiveness is a journey. Some wounds take time. You may forgive today and feel the anger resurface tomorrow. That’s okay. Forgiveness is a daily choice, not a one-time event. It’s something we continually surrender until we are truly free.
Choosing to forgive doesn’t erase the past, but it does change your future. It allows you to move forward without the chains of bitterness weighing you down.
And the beautiful thing about forgiveness is that it’s not just about releasing someone else – it’s about releasing yourself to live in the fullness of grace and peace that God intended for you.
You don’t have to carry the weight of resentment forever. God isn’t asking you to say what happened was okay – He’s inviting you to release it so you can experience peace. And that? That’s true freedom.
